Sexuality is not a “Taboo”:
Sexual orientation may seem a complicated subject even today while ‘demisexual’ is the term, which many are not familiar with. With all the progress in behavioral sciences, some of us may still do not know or understand human sexuality. Understanding sexuality is not easy, especially for older generations. It can also sometimes confuse young people as many of the types may seem to be overlapping. You may see people who identify with one sexual orientation and later change their stance and attach themselves to another, which brings all the confusion.
But it is imperative to note that sexuality is not very simple to understand; neither is it too complicated once you open your mind and augment your ability to accept. A person may discover something about himself after going through some experience in his life. It makes us understand that it is normal to identify with one or more than one sexual orientation.
People tend to doubt your choice of sexual identity:
Skepticism is commonly found when it comes to sexual identities, and especially in the case of demisexuality, which lies somewhere between the asexual-to-sexual spectrum. It is also unfortunate that there is not much research and data available for this specific identity.
But fortunately, awareness has been accelerated in recent years. The word “demisexuality” has been searched frequently on Google, according to google trends. People mainly from Britain, the US, Canada, Australia, and the Philippines searched the term the most online.
Demisexuality- An emerging identity around the globe:
Demisexuality is one of the many types of sexual orientation. Since we have already discussed that sexual orientation is a tricky subject, so is the case with this specific type. It can be loosely defined as the demisexual people who cannot feel any sexual attraction to anyone unless they develop a strong, deep, emotional bond with that particular person. For them, it is indispensable that they know the person for a longer period and feel a deep emotional connection with them before starting a physical relation.
These people often find strangers unattractive and cannot go for a one-night stand or hook-up culture. Building a foundation before getting sexually involved is essential for demisexuals. If you have felt that you have a hard time feeling any physical attraction with someone generally regarded as “hot” or “eligible” for dating, there is nothing wrong with you; you are just probably a demisexual person.
The term “demisexual” is relatively new. It first became the talk of the town in 2006 on the Asexual Visibility and Education center. People who experienced it before were thankful for discovering this orientation because it is a significant relief if you understand yourself, which is shared and experienced with lots of other people around the world.
It was indeed a pleasant advancement in gender studies for many who were struggling with their sexuality since they had a word now for their behavior and sexual prioritization. Placing a tag on a specific sexual identity is an inclusive step, and People realize that they are not lonely. If you choose the label of demisexual orientation, you can connect to a larger community of people who also identify as demisexual. Doing this may help you feel welcomed and supported. It always feels wonderful to find acceptance.
What is it like to be a demisexual? What Does Demisexual mean?
These people rarely experience a sexual desire towards a person unless they have developed a powerful and emotional bonding with someone. It is also totally possible that these people do not feel any sexual attraction at all. It is crucial to understand that Sexual acts and sexual attraction are two different constructs.
One who identifies as demisexual may feel sexual attraction to a person with whom she/he is close, but they may not have a soaring sex urge to participate in sexual activities with the person. Like other people, demisexuals can have varying levels of sex desires, but usually, demisexual people can desire sex.
It may feel hard to be a demisexual in a world with rising hook-up culture:
In the rising hook-up culture of the world, being a demisexual is not easy as these people do not feel the primary attraction that people generally feel when they initially meet. They only feel secondary attraction which is the type of attraction that only occurs after knowing someone for an extended period. Your partner may get irritated with you and find you cold or weird. But they can only feel sexually attracted to someone when they have developed an emotional bond with the person over time.
Demisexuality can also be called a kind of gray sexuality. A gray sexual person rarely feels sexual attraction, or they might experience sexual attraction but are not that enthusiastic about sex. The prefix “demi” itself means half, which can be interpreted as being between sexual and asexual.
Tips to date a demisexual:
To form a bond necessary for sexual attraction, demisexual individuals may first try to connect verbally with the person they are interested in to discuss mutual aspirations and interests, listening to stories about the person’s past, or getting to know intimate details about yearnings and dreams.
They can also get closer to a partner by shared experiences, like cooking together, playing sports together, or holding common identities. Spending quality time together is a must to develop intimate bonding with demisexual individuals. But it doesn’t mean that every emotional bond a demisexual individual creates will cultivate sexual feelings. It would be simpler to understand with this example; The way gay people aren’t drawn to every one of their respective genders, demisexual individuals are also not necessarily attracted to everyone with whom they’re emotionally involved.
Are demisexuals always straight?
People who are bisexual can also be demisexual. You do not have to be heterosexual to be a demisexual. A gay person can also experience this sexuality. Recently Tinder, a world-renowned dating app, has also added demisexual as a separate sexual identity. Interestingly many demisexual individuals believe that they are on the asexual spectrum.
They may get attracted to another person with time; they might not experience a primary level of attraction, which is the attraction that relied on physical appearance, scent, or voice. However, other demisexuals deny this and feel that the term “asexuality” does not do justice to what they identify with and doesn’t fit with their personal experiences.
When demisexuals are asked to describe the conditions in which they experience attraction, their choices may vary slightly. Demisexuals may think of themselves as heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual, polyamorous, pansexual, or queer. When it comes to gender, a demisexual person may identify as a male, female, agender, or nonbinary.
Other terms used for demisexuality:
Demisexuality is the only identification we have to define an individual’s need to have a deep-rooted emotional bonding with someone before feeling attracted. However, some people tend to use terms for other types of gray sexuality to mention demisexuality, which include:
| 1. | Gray A |
| 2. | Hyposexual |
| 3. | Semi sexual |
| 4. | Low sexual intensity |
| 5. | Asexual-ish |
| 6. | Sexual-ish |
Five signs to know whether you are a demisexual:
| 1. | Sex is not very important to you, although you do enjoy it. | Sex is not a priority for demisexuals in their relationships. It doesn’t mean that they don’t enjoy sex, but the physical act of love is not as important to them as intellectually exciting conversations. It also means that you might find yourself thinking about sex with a particular person, but you are unable to think or fantasize about sex generally. |
| 2. | You might have been accused of “prudery.” | People might have called you old-fashioned and other mean words because of your cautious sexual behavior and preferences, which is not wrong by any standard. You are just you because of demisexuality. You don’t have to be super sexually active and believe in stuff like one-night-stands because of your need to have a deep-rooted emotional connection before you can feel sexually attracted to someone. You have to remember that your choice matters the most regarding having a sexual partner or orientation. Nobody else could understand and care for your choices as you can. It would help if you always stayed true to yourself. |
| 3. | First dates hold much importance to you. | On a first date, demisexuals look for deeper conversations and mutual interests to make sure that they are not wasting their time. They have high hopes on their first date from their prospective partner, making it an essential part of starting a new relationship. But this may also be seen as a negative thing. Your date may become intimidated, and your desire to know the person may feel like uncomfortable interrogation to your date. You should make sure that you will like the person before attacking him/her with all the questions. |
| 4. | Looks and physical beauty are irrelevant matters. | Most people seek beautiful looks and physical charisma in a relationship; although it is not the most critical part of their relationship, still influential in having an intimate relationship. Many of us choose to date a person merely based on looks, without even reading their profiles on online dating applications. But for demisexuals, having physical beauty and appearance is not an issue. They are rather aroused by personality traits and are more enthusiastic in building genuine and trustworthy connections based on mutual interests above all else. |
| 5. | Your relationships begin as friendships. | It is of immense importance for demisexuals to know someone completely. Therefore they often find out that they have intimate feelings for a long time friend. Most of your relationships are likely to blossom out from friendship. |
Busting the myths about demisexual orientation:
Since demisexual identity is recently discovered, there is a lot of confusion about what this identification looks like in real life. A few of the common myths around demisexual orientation are listed below in the table:
| Myths | Busted | |
| 1. | You have to wait longer to have sex with a demisexual. | Anne Hodder-Shipp, an American College of Sexologists (ACS)-certified sex educator, said that it does not necessarily take that long to have sex with a demisexual. Emotional connection and safety are an integral part of the process of developing relationships with a demisexual. They also demand prioritization, attention, and interest from your part to start a healthy sexual relationship. |
| 2. | Demisexuals are hard to find their match. | People try to invalidate demisexuals by saying that they have not found anyone suitable for themselves without understanding that demisexuals can develop a sexual relationship with anyone with time. |
| 3. | Casual sex is a no-go area for demisexuals. | It is typically believed that demisexuals do not go for a hook-up since they are the ones who do not feel immediately attracted to strangers. But a demisexual may have other values as part of their identity, which may push them towards such practices. A demisexual can decide to have casual sex if they also have personality traits like spontaneousness. |
| 4. | Demisexuality and asexuality are the same. | Several sexual identities are included as asexuality, which means the lack or low desire for sexual attraction and activity. Because demisexuals often experience zero sexual magnetism toward others until they build a solid emotional bond, demisexuals are entirely considered as asexuals, which they are not. |
| 5. | Demisexuals rarely indulge in sex, and if they do, it might be complicated. | Demisexuals take their time to reach the point where they are willing to engage sexually with someone. But they have the capability of thrilling and wide-ranging sexual dynamics nonetheless. |
| 6. | Demisexuals are primarily females. | It is a gender stereotype that women need to have an emotional connection with their partners for sex, and men are ready for sex with anyone and anytime. |
Not all that glitters is gold!
Many people who want to create emotional compatibility and strong bonding before beginning a sexual relationship with someone are not necessarily demisexuals.
The difference is simple – although many people choose to have a more comprehensive understanding and emotional bonding before having sex, demisexuals cannot feel the urge or yearning to have sexual intercourse with anyone without that.
Sometimes it takes longer for them to develop such relationships, but it can happen in a short period, depending on the shared interests and compatibility with their partners. But they cannot feel attracted to anyone otherwise.
Are demisexuals and sapiosexuals the same?
Demisexuals are also often confused with sapiosexuals. They both share some characteristics, but they are two separate sexual identities. A demisexual person feels sexually attracted to someone with whom they have developed an emotional bonding. Still, on the other hand, sapiosexuals are those individuals who only feel attracted to those whom they find intelligent.
Intelligence is also a quality that can be believed about a person without meeting with them or knowing them better. For instance, a sapiosexual can feel enchanted by someone based only on knowing that they are a Rhodes Scholar, a Yale graduate, or a nuclear physicist, which is not the case with a demisexual who needs more emotional depth to feel attracted to someone.
Is demisexual a gendered identity?
Homosexual, bisexual, or pansexual are the labels that show the gender we feel attracted to, but it is not the case with demisexuals. They are different, like their relationship and the people they are attracted to. But It is OK to prefer the use of a name that mentions gender orientation as well. You can be demisexual and also a homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, heterosexual, and so on. You may choose the label which best describes your orientation.
Demisexuality may feel different to different people:
You might understand the following feelings or situations if you are a demisexual:
| 1. | I have experienced sexual attraction to someone I am very close to, like a friend or romantic partner. |
| 2. | I am not aroused or feel sexual attraction towards someone instantly, no matter how beautiful or pleasant they might be. |
| 3. | I do not feel sexually attracted to the people I see around me, like people I barely know or acquaintances. |
| 4. | My emotional connection has a powerful impact when it comes to sexual attraction. |
Understanding demisexuality better:
Demisexuality does not mean that someone is afraid of sex. They do not feel sexual attraction to new people. It is also not associated with a moral or religious faith about sex. It is sexual identity and orientation, not a choice. It comes as naturally as any other sexual identity.
Demisexuality is not a sign of low sex desire. Once demisexual people are in a relationship with a partner, they experience varying degrees of sex drive. Some may have sex quite often, while others may not have it for a more extended period. This sexual orientation only explains the type of attraction that a person feels, not how often they have sex.
Another common misconception about demisexual people is that they need to be in love with someone to experience sexual attraction. Demisexuality does require a connection, but for many, it can be a close friendship or some other type of non-romantic relationship.
Conclusion:
Deviating from common sexual identities is still considered radical by many. Still, the younger generation is lucky to have the awareness and freedom to associate themselves with any sexual orientation and find their place on the sexual spectrum. It is possible nowadays to talk about sexuality as the world is becoming more progressive and accepting.
Realizing your different sexuality and coming out as a demisexual person is a personal decision. One doesn’t have to come out if that does not feel right. You can wait and embrace it until you are completely comfortable with yourself. Your sexual alignment is your business. If you choose to tell your friends and family members, they may have questions. It would be helpful to put together a couple of online resources about demisexuality, which you can share with them. It will help you to answer their questions and will take the weight of explanation off you.
FAQ’s
1. Does the successful development of an emotional bond constantly stir up sexual attraction in demisexual?
Being a demisexual, you may have a strong bond with many people around you, including friends and family. But that doesn’t mean that you want to sleep with everyone you share that bond with.
There is also a possibility that you do not want to have sex at all. According to a 2014 AVEN Community Census of Demisexuals and Asexuals, two-thirds of demisexual individuals said they were indifferent or even repelled by sex.
2. Can you be demisexual and also hold another sexual orientation?
Almost all the sexual identities refer to the gender they are sexually interested in, like straight, bisexual, etc. Demisexuality is more than that. It is related to deep and intense feelings. It does not specify any particular gender which demisexuals prefer.
It means that you can be a demisexual and also have another sexual orientation like bisexual or straight. It depends upon your decision and choice with which you feel comfortable and suitable.
3. Does being demisexual also indicates that I am asexual?
Asexual individuals have little or no interest in sex, which is not the case with demisexual people. Some people use asexuality as an identity, while others choose to say that they don’t have a sexual alignment.
Here are some questions to ask yourself that can help you understand whether you are asexual:
| 1. | Is the idea of having sex repulsive to you? |
| 2. | Have you felt sexual attraction to anyone? |
| 3. | Do you think that sex is vital in a romantic relationship? |
| 4. | Are you not interested in having a sexual relationship with someone? |
4. Can my sexual orientation alter with time?
Sexuality is not a solid concept; it is instead a fluid idea. You can have more than one sexual orientation as well. It would be interesting to note that according to the 2015 Asexual Census, approximately 80 percent of participants labeled themselves with another orientation before identifying as asexual individuals.
Sexuality and sexual attraction may or may not change with time. But there is a possibility that you will never be interested in sex, which is fine.
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